You know what goes well with expensive equipment, lots of time standing still and an extreme attention to detail?
Toddlers.
That’s why, as a new mom, I decided having little squirmy kids at home was the perfect time to start taking photography seriously. What could go wrong?
That, friends, is a dangerous question.
Imagine trying to get a hyperactive 2-year-old with a will as powerful as the waters gushing down Niagara Falls to pose not just once but multiple times on a weekly basis.
Imagine using a multiple-thousand-dollar piece of equipment around not one but two people whose dearest ambition is to knock it down and press every single button ad nauseam.
Want more Radiant? Sign up for our weekly newsletter!
Imagine taking precious time and energy to learn the rules of photography and painstakingly edit every photo for zero dollars in return.
This has been my life for the past year and a half.
Feeling discouraged in motherhood
If you are an even moderately sane person, you may ask yourself: Why would someone do this to themselves?
Here’s the short version: because doing this insane thing keeps me sane during an absolutely insane season of life.
Motherhood is hard. It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is a 100% sacrificial endeavor with no external rewards (l’ve asked my toddler for a raise, but nothing has happened so far), no validation or praise, and no sick days or time off.
Of course, we know it’s worth it. That’s why we do it! There is nothing like the privilege of being a mom. The fact that it is insanely difficult does not take away from this incredible vocation.
As I found myself in a season when I am being pushed more than ever, I wasn’t sure how to handle the stress, overwhelm and discouragement I often felt.
I wondered if I was just a bad person, or if I didn’t love my children enough. I had so many days that left me feeling completely drained, burnt out. I lost my temper frequently and then wallowed in guilt after the fact.
Was I simply not cut out for motherhood?
Finding my ‘blue flame’
It was during this time that I read Jennifer Fulwiler’s book, “Your Blue Flame.”
In a nutshell, she argues that you should pursue something you are passionate about. Even if it doesn’t bring in any money, even if it takes some time away from your other obligations.
The paradoxical reasoning she gives is this: Having an outlet that you feel passionate about, that challenges you in different ways and allows you to use your unique skills to contribute, gives you energy. It boosts your mood and renews your mind.
On days when you lose your temper because your toddler took a Sharpie to your living room furniture, or when you wake up exhausted having woken up throughout the night to feed the baby, or when you get sick and no one can pick up your slack … these times when motherhood stretches you and you feel pushed to the limit, that’s when you need your creative outlet.
This concept was a game-changer for me.
I got my first camera as a newlywed just before my husband and I moved to Connecticut on military orders. Before then, I had already developed a love for taking pictures and used borrowed cameras (mostly my older brother’s until I asked if I could buy it from him).
After my daughter was born, I started taking photography more seriously. And after reading Jen’s book, I became even more motivated.
It was then that I started learning about settings, using “manual” mode instead of “auto” and taking time out of our schedule routinely to go somewhere and shoot.
I would drive around with my daughter in the back seat searching for photogenic spots. I watched YouTube videos to understand lighting, exposure, shutter speed and f-stop. I invested in equipment (such as lights, a tripod and, eventually, a nicer camera). I took an online course. I played with the editing software. I took so many pictures.
The payoff is worth it
Throughout this process, I have run headfirst into many walls. Understanding how to edit, what are the right settings to get the look I want, what type of lighting to look for, how to wrangle little kids who don’t want to sit still … there have been so many times that I thought: “Why am I doing this to myself?”
On more than one occasion I thought I should quit. If it’s not bringing in money and it’s not directly in service to the family, why should I devote time and energy to this?
Here’s the catch: The time and energy you invest in your passion projects pays dividends right back into your family. Of course not monetary dividends (yet!), but good ones.
How?
Pursuing something you are passionate about invigorates you.
It doesn’t have to make money. It doesn’t have to be outside of the home. It doesn’t have to be expensive or overly time-consuming.
And I know what you’re thinking: You want me to take on something else — now? Now, when I’m barely able to get out of bed in the mornings, still exhausted from the day before? Now, when I’m in over my head attempting to keep alive small people intent on killing themselves? Now, when day-to-day tasks (not to mention basic self-care actions like showering and brushing my hair) aren’t getting done?
Now?
Yes. If you are a mom of littles, now is the perfect time to start a new hobby, discover a passion project, learn a new skill or lean into an old one. Even if you are in the midst of herding rambunctious toddlers and barely getting enough sleep. I promise, the payoff is worth it.
I’ve seen this over and over as I attempt to become a better photographer. Switching gears in the middle of the day or on a weekend for an hour or two is incredibly helpful for me as a wife and mother. I get excited, motivated and enthusiastic because I’m using my skills in a way that makes me come alive. All of this positivity comes back with me to my other obligations when I put down the camera.
Having a hobby gives you a break that you actually come back from feeling renewed (unlike a Netflix binge or three glasses of Chardonnay). Trust me on this one.
Discovering your love language to the world
And I know what else you might be thinking:
1) I don’t have any interests/passions/hobbies, and/or
2) I don’t have any time for interests/passions/hobbies.
If you are interested in finding a passion project, I would first make time for a little reflection. Ask your husband to watch the kids for an hour on a Saturday. Go for a walk with the stroller. Or use nap time to consider the following:
- What do you get excited about? An exemplary meal? Hosting a cocktail hour? Fashion week? An animated debate? Baking sourdough? Going for a run?
- Who do you look up to? What characteristics do those people have in common?
- Who are you jealous of? What do they have that you perceive to lack?
- What comes easily to you? Making people feel welcome? Writing? Decorating? Throwing together something super yummy? Keeping your calm in a heated argument?
Ask yourself these questions and sit with them. You could also ask loved ones for input. What do they think you’re good at? What do they perceive your strengths to be? Many of my creative endeavors have come from the encouragement of my husband.
If you feel stressed out, overwhelmed or depleted, taking up your love language to the world (as Jen calls it) will only serve to address these maladies.
Having a creative outlet will improve your undertakings as a wife and mother, not take away from them. And the best part is that your children will have a beautiful example of someone who wasn’t afraid to unearth their skills and talents and use them — in some small way — for the betterment of society, but, most importantly, for the family.
I don’t claim to be 100% sane, but since I started my deep-dive into photography, I feel much more myself — and my whole family is better off for it.
