Our relationship with our earthly parents is the foundation for our relationship with our heavenly Father. If we want to achieve more intimacy with God, we have to understand how intimacy is learned, expressed and what it’s affected by.
During my Christian coaching training, I was taught that children learn what intimacy is supposed to feel like from their primary caregivers. From these first interactions, they form an unconscious blueprint for intimacy that dictates their choices for all relationships later in life.
Some learn that intimacy is safe, peaceful and reliable. Then, when they come across individuals with whom they feel familiar emotions to those felt during childhood, they call it “chemistry” or “love.” Most people bond with others unconsciously, without giving it too much thought. After all, forming relationships with others is a natural instinct. If we felt seen, heard and loved during our early years, it’s usually effortless to make friends or be with a romantic partner — demonstrating a secure attachment style.
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For individuals who are securely attached, relationships are easily formed and maintained. They know how to give and receive love. They are also good communicators and have good skills at establishing and keeping boundaries. Moreover, emotional and physical intimacy comes naturally to them. Securely attached individuals also maintain a positive perception of themselves and others. Their self-esteem is healthy and trust comes easily to them.
How does this play a role in our relationship with God?
At the end of 2022, I attended a Catholic retreat called “Intertwining the Catholic faith and Psychology” where I learned that our attachment style impacts our relationship and intimacy with God. He is our most intimate friend after all. Most people tend to behave in very similar patterns in their relationship with God to the way they behave in their private relationships. Therefore, if our attachment style isn’t secure, our intimacy with God will be affected by it.
For those who learned that love was not safe
Despite some parents’ best efforts, the message of intimacy they gave their children was unpredictable, unavailable and perhaps even violent. Individuals who grew up in these homes usually form anxious, avoidant or irregular attachment styles (a mix of anxious and avoidant).
Even if parents do their best to love their children, if their definition of intimacy was hurt by the way they were parented, these emotional wounds will be passed on from one generation to the next, unless they healed from them.
For instance, avoidant individuals tend to pull close and then away from their partners when too much intimacy is achieved. Similarly, if an avoidant individual were to experience an overwhelming amount of intimacy with God, the next natural step for them would be to take a break from spiritual matters for some time. Avoidant attachers tend to protect themselves from feeling too close to others as a defense mechanism they may have learned early in life with an engulfing parent.
Likewise, an anxiously attached person relates to God through their attachment style, which is one of seeking God’s approval in all things and worrying that they are not good enough to be worthy of God’s love. Anxiously attached individuals usually have a negative perception of themselves (low self-esteem) but a positive perception of others. They can come off as needy in relationships and struggle with trust. Naturally, trusting God doesn’t come as easily to them as it does for securely attached individuals.
God heals
The good news is that in every family tree, there comes a person who will have the desire to put an end to the generational curses. We can learn better intimacy skills, and be securely attached through Christian therapy, coaching, reading books on personal development, prayer and God’s healing power.
We must remember that many perceptions we might carry about God’s love for us are false. They can be tainted by our unhealed attachment style, which also affects our identity in God. The truth is God loves us unconditionally, independently of our wounds and how we understand intimacy. God doesn’t ask us to work for his love or to prove ourselves. God’s love is free; we simply need to receive it and our identity as his beloved children which we inherited at our baptism.
Even if our families, friends or partners can be hurt and misunderstand why we behave incomprehensibly at times due to our unhealed attachment style, God is patient with us. When the time comes for us to heal our attachment style, we will not only heal our perception of intimacy and human love but of God’s love for us and our identity. In turn, this will allow our earthly relationships to flourish and the one we have with God.
Our true identity in God goes far beyond how we perceive ourselves. God knows where we are on our healing journey and meets us there. Do not be afraid of exploring these messy parts of yourself, because God’s light is shined upon them to heal them.
Let God renew, heal and restore your identity by asking for the intercession of saints, such as St. Dymphna, who is the patroness of those who suffer from mental illness, disorders and emotional distress. Likewise, St. Raphael the Archangel, whose name in Hebrew stands for “God heals,” can be of much comfort to those seeking healing from emotional pain. Finally, remember that your attachment style does not define you; what defines you is your identity of being loved by God.
