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How to cultivate friendships after college

I recently graduated from college and quickly discovered that this milestone brings much to figure out. For example, what comes next? Graduate school? A job? Living arrangements — at home, or somewhere new? And what are finances like now? Amid all these questions, something else should be counted among these changing circumstances: community — in particular, friendships.

Much unites those of us who live and breathe the same campus air: intellectual conversations, sports games, relationship stories and overlapping goals. Manifold elements of campus life ensure a continued bond: sharing the same classes, the same exhaustion from homework, the same reactions to a recent talk. Yet, once you graduate, these mutual experiences are over, and you seem to fall out of sync, which is incredibly disorienting. Despite the online overlap of Instagram stories and Facebook feeds, true connection weakens as our respective lives pick up speed. It feels like drifting in opposite directions of outer space.

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As human persons, we exist in relationship, in the context of a family and a community. The need for friendships is written profoundly into us and, moreover, fulfills a profound need of our hearts as women. Yet the recent buzz is that it can take up to 200 hours to build a close friendship — a challenge indeed outside of shared lives on campus. This overwhelming fact reshapes expectations for the sort of effort now involved. Of course, life proves that it is still possible to make new friends nonetheless.

However, I want to point out how this fact also speaks in favor of maintaining the relationships that have already withstood those couple-hundred hours. To draw on the truth of a nursery rhyme, even as you move into a new season and make new friends, do keep the old. One is silver, the other gold.

Life has its layers

Like any delectable cake or, rather, like an onion, life has its layers. The rings of an onion align with different tiers of friendships: acquaintances would fall on outer rings, friendships on the next layer inward, while our best friends and confidantes stand closer to the center.

Keeping a friendship as life moves through new seasons requires making a dedicated effort to cultivate it, regardless of where it is placed on the figurative onion — be it an acquaintanceship or your very dearest friend. This is not to suggest that all of them should or must reach best friend status, though; it is necessary and right to have different tiers of relationships. Here are some practical suggestions, easily adaptable to these degrees of closeness, that will help you to meaningfully love your friends through new seasons of life.

Five ways to intentionally continue the connection

1) Birthdays

If nothing else, here is a reason to connect at least annually. (Well, hopefully twice a year, because you each have one!) Text is a quick way for birthday wishes, but you can step it up by calling (proper etiquette: if no answer, leave a voicemail!) or with a card in the mail. Do make it an open-ended opportunity; after your celebratory greetings, find out how they are doing.

2) Out of the blue, I thought of you!

How lovely to hear from someone spontaneously and after a while, if for perhaps no other reason than simply to say “thinking of you” or “hello”! Make good on your promises to keep in touch by doing so at intervals. You might share something cute you stumbled across on Pinterest, your most recent podcast listen, or ask how you can pray for them this week — the possibilities abound.

3) Phone tag

Yes, ladies need more excuses to get talking! I love a good conversation, so I often tell my friends to “just call!” — and I make a point of doing the same. It saddens me that young people today do not often connect through the gift of the spoken word. I believe that our culture of quick shortcuts and instant communication makes it difficult for us to prioritize real-time phone conversations or to willingly wait for the other to have time to return a call when brief texts can be exchanged in mere moments. Nonetheless, even with the ease of texting, a desire for authenticity prevails.

So, yes, schedules are busy, but the relay of phone tag soon works out. Once upon a time, it was the only way, and there is still a thrill to be discovered in this pursuit. (P.S. Texted voice memos are also lovely!)

4) Written correspondence

No matter your degree of closeness, the art of letter writing is rather special. What can you learn about how your friend experiences the world based on how they recount it on paper? What do they deem worthy of taking time and ink to mention and describe to you? Letter writing provides a chance to slow down as you form one word at a time, developing your art and methodology of storytelling as you craft a tangible, believable account of your world. Plus, letters are mementos to keep for years to come!

If you are a student, this is a great way to keep the writing part of your brain alive, in a lighter way, during summer or Christmas break when there are no academic papers to churn out. Or, if you are post-college like me, correspondence sweetly overcomes distance. You may find that the USPS may as well be the pony express: it cannot come fast enough.

5) Connect creatively

This suggestion is tailor-made, allowing you to personalize how you connect. Seek ways that account for the unique persons that you and your friend are and what is special to the bond you share! Perhaps you undertake a fun project or helpful challenges together. I personally love little one-on-one reading groups, choosing a book to read and discuss with a friend — it is an excuse to continue the sorts of conversations we enjoyed on campus!

A parting thought

As St. John Bosco said, “friendship based on charity is never weakened by distance.” And in some manner, separation by space indeed no longer matters when our hearts can connect beyond mere staying-in-touch. When we cannot minimize physical distance, our friendships should become about depth and spiritual closeness — less distance between our hearts.

Ultimately, when we intentionally invest in our friends, we will find, to our great joy and surprise, that community is much closer than we may have thought. To quote the lovely Anne Shirley of Green Gables, “Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It’s splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world.” Ladies, thank the Lord for the golden treasure that your old friends are, and never stop pouring his love out on them.

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