“Have you tried online dating?” “Maybe you need to go out more.” “Have you prayed about it?” “Do you think your expectations are too high?” “Maybe you need to surrender more.” “It will happen when you least expect it.” “You need to heal a bit more before you date again.”
These phrases are often told to single people searching for love. Maybe you yourself have said them. Before I begin, I want you to know I’m thankful for you, my married friends. Having friends who love me in every season is a vital part of my life.
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However, while the above statements might be said with good intentions, they aren’t always helpful. As a single woman of nearly 30 who desires marriage, hearing these phrases doesn’t help me feel better afterward. Here are some common platitudes and what would be preferable to hear.
What not to say
- “You know the loneliness won’t just go away when you’re married.” Yes, I understand that, but a certain sense of wondering and waiting will go away. I won’t need to wonder who my husband will be or when I’ll meet him.
- “Enjoy it, you can do so much! You have so much time right now!” Sure, I do have time to go to adoration, get up whenever I’d like, and go hiking right after work. I am able to make my schedule by myself. At the same time, I find that married people often complain they don’t have enough time. It’s as though they forget that where they are is a wonderful place to be and most single people would swap situations with them any day, even though it means sacrificing these activities. Please don’t make me feel bad that I might have more time than you. We both could spend hours dreaming about life being better on the other end, and that’s not helpful for either of us.
- “Your husband will never fulfill you.” Believe it or not, this doesn’t make me want a husband any less. In fact, it just makes me feel bad that I desire a husband in the first place. However, the desire for a husband is good and the ache that is experienced by not being married is good. I believe God put this desire on my heart, and that he is still good even though I’m waiting longer than I expected. Please don’t feel like you have to fix my pain or make me feel better. This pain and ache is an opportunity to unite my suffering to Christ and find my solace in him.
What to say
It would be helpful if you could do the following:
- Instead of offering advice, ask if I even want to talk about it. Sometimes it might not be a good time for me. I know you want me to get married, too, but sometimes I’m not in the mood to talk about it. Also, what worked for you might not work for me. Please be aware that advice and suggestions are likely not what I need most right now.
- Listen and try to understand where I’m coming from. Have you experienced not receiving something you desired in your own life? For a moment allow yourself to experience the pain with me. Remind me that it is okay that I’m experiencing this pain and that I shouldn’t try to run from it. God is here in my ache.
- It is helpful when you listen to what I say and repeat back to me the good things you heard. For example, a friend told me it was inspiring to see that I can express my desires and that I continue to desire even in the ache. Another friend acknowledged he was grateful that I felt comfortable enough to share openly with the group. These intentional and thoughtful comments allow me to feel seen, acknowledged and heard.
- “I’m praying for you.” I love when people tell me this and when they actually do pray for me! I feel like I’m surrounded by an army of saints who are on my side rooting for me. Also, I know that God will be the one to orchestrate the meeting of my future husband, so praying is asking the Divine himself for this to happen.
- Finally, always pause to pray before you respond. I truly believe that like the apostles, “the holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say” (Lk 12:12). Again, I want you to know that I am tremendously grateful for you. Your holy and faith-filled witness is what single people need most, so please continue to reach out. We need each other. It is in this place of communion with one another that we will reach the place of our ultimate desire: heaven!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, pray for us!
