As I entered my 20s, my mental health took a downward dive that left me in a rut. Although I wanted to climb upward and onward, I could not seem to loosen myself from its hold. During this undoubtedly challenging time, my parents’ methods of support unfortunately did not work well for me.
I finally made significant leaps in reclaiming my mental health when I changed environments, and by my mid-20s, I had received a PhD (I was the first in my family to do so), met the love of my life, and had traveled and lived abroad. My parents were proud of me.
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I moved forward with my life and put the experiences from my early 20s behind me. However, nearly a decade later, something still felt off; I was still carrying some of the emotional baggage I thought I had let go of long ago. I pinpointed the issue as lingering feelings of resentment toward my parents back from during the mental health challenges of my early 20s. (I am using the term resentment here to refer to the feeling of bitterness toward those who you perceive have wronged you in some way, big or small). Once I was able to identify and acknowledge the feeling for what it was, I was ashamed for still feeling such sentiments, so I set out to free myself from this emotion.
Here are three tips that helped me along the journey of clearing my heart from lingering feelings of resentment, no matter how big or how small.
1. Forgive yourself
You may have wished you had said or done something differently, or maybe you blame yourself for how a series of actions and reactions transpired. Regardless of the source of your feelings or the situation leading to those feelings, it is important to always give yourself abundant grace. Acknowledge the words spoken or the action (or inaction) committed, and then seek forgiveness by first reconciling with yourself (and, if necessary, with God through the Sacrament of Reconciliation).
At Sunday Mass earlier this liturgical year, I was deeply struck by the simple wisdom at the end of the priest’s homily. He requested everyone find the time that day to look into the mirror and say, “I love you.” After all, by looking at our reflection, we are speaking the words to ourselves. But how can we properly love one another if we do not love ourselves first? Similarly, how can we properly forgive another person when we deny ourselves the opportunity of being pardoned? Making eye contact with your reflection in the mirror while telling yourself aloud, “I forgive you,” may help you move in the direction of coming to terms with the statement of “I forgive myself.” The first step in the path of healing from feelings of resentment is to offer and accept forgiveness for and on behalf of ourselves.
2. Pray
Use this journey as an opportunity to further develop or renew your relationship with the Lord through prayer. Prayer can take a variety of forms, all of which can be helpful to choose the road without resentment. My suggestion would be to experiment with different forms of prayer in order to find the one or ones that work best for you. There is no best way to pray. You can try to offer a decade of the Rosary for the person you hold the resentment against. Alternatively, how about offering your prayers of petitions for healing in daily prayer? Or perhaps praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament in silence for courage and wisdom on your journey of moving past resentment. Or still further, why not try reflecting upon a passage of Scripture? Again, if you haven’t gone to confession yet as shared in Step 1, don’t put it off any longer!
Feeling distracted? Or maybe it has been a while, and you are unsure where to start? Try these tips.
3. Forgive the other
Move on by readily offering forgiveness. When Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who has wronged him, Jesus replied, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times” (Mt 18:22). If you find something is still blocking you from being able to fully forgive, revisit the first two steps. Ensure that you have reconciled with your own heart and have sought out prayer. If you’re struggling to make the act of forgiveness more concrete, explicitly tell the person in question that you forgive them either in conversation or in writing. Then go further by providing them with a short list of things they have done or characteristics or skills they possess that you are thankful for or appreciative of.
We can look to the lives of the saints as examples of those who chose to forgive the disputed choices of others and then move forward with their lives to carry out their unique God-given callings. St. Maria Goretti is the saint of forgiveness.
Resentment is a complex emotion that is normal to feel at times, and there is no shame in recognizing it. However, such a feeling should not be retained. In my case, forgiving myself was the hardest step in washing away this feeling because I largely blamed myself. In hindsight, I definitely did not do everything right, but I needed to acknowledge that mental health is complex. Just like no one chooses to have a physical health problem, such as diabetes or cancer, no one chooses to wrestle with mental health struggles. Both physical and mental health challenges can strain relationships with the people who are just trying to help in their own ways, albeit imperfect. Clearing up resentment is not about pointing fingers of who was right and who was in the wrong. When all is said and done, it comes down to forgiveness: forgiving ourselves, forgiving the other, and seeking out God throughout our own unique journeys, whatever it may look like.
